Best-est Guests

Dear Chloe,

I feel like my last post was too sharp and negative.  You know that I'm a glass topped-up-to-full kind of gal, so I thought this time that I'd write to you about a really great guest that we've had.

Our mutual friend S stayed with us a few years back.  She was a dream guest.  Smart enough to print off the directions that I emailed to her, smart enough to have my cell phone in case she needed it (she didn't) and smart enough to not overpack (we were living in a fifth floor walk up, no elevator).

S shows up for a quickie visit to NYC, and is fully into the spirit of fun and adventure from the moment she walks into the door.   She knows exactly what she wants to do/see in NYC, and all she needs from me is some fine-tuning on the directions to the subway.   A quick martini, a few Triscuits with white cheddar, a kiss to my husband, and she's off.

S was in search of a white winter coat and some Superman pj's for her boys.  Since she doesn't lack for drama, and is as thin as a bendy straw, I knew she'd find the perfect coat at my go-to, Century 21.  They also have a decent selection of kids stuff, and an impressive shoe department.    I had nothing urgent to tend to, so I went downtown with her.   What is it with Canadian gals? We're both Her Majesty's subjects, so I guess I can count us in this as well, but man is S fun.   Within seconds of getting on the subway she had befriended the meanest looking dude on the train, and was cracking him with her pronounciation of 'out and about'.

Ok, so back to her being a good guest.   Here's the hit list:

• She communicated her arrival time so that we weren't kept waiting.
• She made herself right at home.
• She had her own plans and was happy whenever we wanted to hang out with her.
• She stayed for four days, and hung out with us for dinner one night - she also totally helped prepare the meal and bought a gorgeous wine.
• She took down the garbage and recycling without even batting an eye, or asking if she should.
• Two days after she left, we received a package from her.  She'd obviously placed the order either before she left, or immediately upon returning home.   The package?  The BEST ribs ever.  Sorry Chloe, I know that you don't deal with anything that has eyes - but damn they were good!

Ok, so I neither want nor expect any kind of gift.  It's a cold and lonely world out there, and my pleasure comes from sharing our home.  Having said that, it was pretty damn sweet, and totally appreciated. 

What about you dollface, have you had a really great guest?  Tell all.

The Ideal House Guest

Dear Chloe,

We've spent hours and hours talking about houseguests.  I figured that I'd start off with a summary of an ideal house guest.  Feel free to pick up on anything and elaborate.

Appropriate Notice - my ideal house guest would give me a months notice that they'd like to stay over.   Not that I'm the busiest bee in the hive, but depending on who you are, the preparations might be as simple as a whirlwind clean or as complicated as a bathtub re-glazing.  Give me time to figure out where you sit on the line graph and to adjust myself accordingly.   In a perfect world, we'd confirm the arrangements a month out, then re-confirm by a quick call or email a week before.  A week gives me enough time to find all the crap gifts you've given me over the years and put the items out as if I treasure them.   A final re-confirm the day before lets me know that your plans are on track, and you haven't decided to forego the trip and stay home, then let me know only when I've filed a missing persons report.

Dietary Requirements - Living gluten-free these days?  Mazel tov!  But if you expect rice flour pancakes in the morning, let me know so I can make a special trip to the wildly expensive specialty foods store.  Same goes for lactose intolerance and inability to drink anything but still water imported from France.  Hey, don't get me wrong, I WANT you to be comfortable and enjoy your stay, and I look forward to being the model hostess.  I just need to be gracious to at least have one item of food that you can eat, and one type of drink that won't bloat you.

Pets - No thank you.   You can't bring your chinchilla.  I'm sure it's adorable and knows how to pee in the toilet.   I have a husband that is allergic to anything hairier than me, and if it's a hairless cat - gross.

Fun Activities - Hi, I'm Julie, your cruise director.  Kidding!  C'mon, you're coming to New York City and you wonder what you should see?   There's a crazy thing all the kids are talking about, it's called the 'internet'.   Take a wild ride through Google and figure out a few things that interest you.  If you leave it up to me to show you around, we'll go to Lord&Taylor's clearance section, then to M&J Ribbon store then off to BedStuy to admire the mink hats of the Orthodox Jews.  If you're lucky, I'll show you where to get the best hand cut smoked salmon in the city.   If it's your first time here, that might be a bit niche for you, so maybe stick with a more practical itinerary.   Let me know the type of stuff you're interested in and I'll totally help you figure out how much you can cram in and how to get around.   Before you offer, I've already been to the Top of The Rock (6 times), I've taken the ferry to Staten Island (8 times), and I still cry at Ground Zero despite having gone through there hundreds of times.  Now I only want to go to Ground Zero if there is a sheet sale at Century 21.   I want to hang around with you too, but I don't necessarily want to spend the money to do all the touristy things that I've enjoyed over and over again in the past.   We'll hang out one night when your feet are so blistered that you can't walk another block.  I'll cook you a lovely meal and pour you a glass of wine and we can sit and look at your slide show.

Duration of visit:  You can stay up to a week.  If you're my best friend or a relative who may leave me money or jewels when you die, you can stay up to two weeks.

Small kindnesses:  Treat my house as if it was your own, unless you're a pig in your own home, then treat my home like you're visiting Buckingham Palace and you're scared to pee in the gold plated toilet.   Washer and dryer are available for your use - I'll have freshly laundered linens on the bed, and they'll match.  If it's summer, they may even be extra fresh from drying on the line.   Feel free to wash your bedding during your stay if you're extra sweaty or are having crazy freaky sex.  Feel free, also, to take fresh towels out of the bathroom. You don't need to limit yourself to drying with a hand towel for your entire stay, but you're also not at the Ritz hotel with maid service.  Please drop your wash in the hamper, don't leave a pile of damp pong-y towels for me to discover.  Stripping the bed at the end of your visit is nice - you don't need to wash/fold/put away.  I can handle that.

Chloe, I can't write anymore tonight, I have to get dinner together.   My next post will be real life guest stories.